#Caturday
Thick as shit.
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Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
bad
worse
worst
worchester
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage