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“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
hey, alexa
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there