One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
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My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
this post was so formative to me
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.