I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
mariah carrie