Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
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I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.