The French word for sex is croissant.
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Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.