a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
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Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.