I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
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When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —