The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned