They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.