When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
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6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
🤣✨#caturday
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.