Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
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[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ME: I’m not sure