@amydillon

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

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@tastefactory

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

@TheAlexP

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

@UnfilteredMama

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

@GrowlyGrego

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

@thatdutchperson

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

@Sanbel11

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

@aimeevc1970

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

@QwertyJones3

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure