I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
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[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I’ve been learning to cook.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?