My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
You Might Also Like
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.