Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
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Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Sorry. Not sorry
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched