Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
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This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Only short people can save us
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…