Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
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Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
some things should go without saying
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I need this for my side hustle.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!