My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
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[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.