The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
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Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.