I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.