When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
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When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
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