When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”