***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
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*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Note to self: always read the final line
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat