Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Had to try this trend 😊
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.