Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.