Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
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I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.