These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
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Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
me doing my best
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir