When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
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It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
ouch
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If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.