When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
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Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
(True)
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
#Caturday
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband: