St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
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Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Money is the root of all wealth
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
You better watch out
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.