@Rollinintheseat

St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.

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@david8hughes

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

@MrSandeepP

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

@ninjadinosaur1

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

@ozzyunc

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@psybermonkey

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

@frogbunnie

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids