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My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.