worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
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Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does