*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”