My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
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[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
*aggressively waits in line*
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Whoa 😂
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.