I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.