I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
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My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.