I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
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ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.