“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
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guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.