This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
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Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women