my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
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“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?