My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
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[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*