My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
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I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”