Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
You Might Also Like
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Y’all know who you are.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”