I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
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Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Growing out my freckles.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago