It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
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I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Those are good neighbors.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.