5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
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My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut