Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
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[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.