Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
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what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.