*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Hero horse inspires millions
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.