Hero horse inspires millions
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one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
The Struggle
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Merica.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work