@CharlesFinch

Hero horse inspires millions

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@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

@BurgerKing

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@joeljeffrey

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

@DadandBuried

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

@Xalqee

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

@Chance2k11

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

@RickAaron

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

@samstein

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.