I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
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My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
When ur friends with white people
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.