I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.