If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
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“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
5 ways to appear taller
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
the three branches of government
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
<—- homeless romantic